Life in my youth

My version of Maya Angelou’s “On aging”

When you see me wondering alone
Like a bird that lost it's nest,
Don’t think I need no loving,

I need a hand to hold mine and show me my way home,

I need your guidance,
Lead me through the darkness to light.

Smother me with your love to happiness.

When you see tears rolling down my cheeks

Please be my shoulder to cry on,

Know me or not, compassion have it, 
I beg I need your sympathy

Cause when my world is falling down

Maybe yours is holding on strong and steady 

Though I am not fond of small talks,

I need your chattering,

I can do with a little conversation,

Light hearted laughter can do me good right now

When my days go by without my phone ringing or messages beeping, no tag or a post on my timeline 

I ask of you favours

Please remember me and give me a tinkle
Tag me on those dry humour jokes of yours

Please dust me off this loneliness shelf

I am tired of wondering alone in this lonesome cupboard

Compassion, please have it.

When my heart is broken and mind shuttered in pain

Share a laughter with me if you got it, sad stories I will do without

“Don’t study and get it wrong”

Cause serious ain't mean aloof

And my infrequent smiles ain't mean I am rude

I have a lot more strength

A big bang oomph

Soft tone of my voice and jazziness of my words

I have a long way to go

So don’t treat me like a written off car.

Dear Dad, *questions*

So it was so easy for my dad to quit our family, to quit being there for me, his first born kid, to go be some other kids’dad, really? 

Is it that easy to just find another family to be with and be there for but rob your abandoned kids the chance to be raised by you, let someone else raise them for you, really? 

I've been suppressing this but honestly I am angry at you dad. I can’t let people in cause I am afraid one day they will pack up and leave me like you did dad. 

The worse thing is that; I can’t have my childhood with you ever, I will never be a teenager with a dad and all that absence and build up anger I have, I have to deal with it now when the emptiness of not having anyone close by feels super real. 

I am very upset that you didn't think I was a good enough child for you dad. I have times I wish I would chat with you or do whatever with you, just to spend time with you, but you are not here, you are nowhere.

I am sorry you left, I am sorry I made you leave. Is it possible dad that you just left and never once sat and thought of me as I do of you? I needed you dad, many times, I needed you but a need not met causes frustration, causes sadness, causes resentment, desperation and loneliness.  

I guess you are happy with yourself and I know you are very smart to know that you stole many memories from me; you deprived me of a different youth life. Maybe on the other hand you leaving was a blessing; but why do I feel so robbed than blessed?

Life

“In the end we regret the chances we didn’t take, the decisions we waited too long to make” (Lewis Carroll), that we ended up not making them at all.
We regret the opportunities we failed to seize.
We live on regrets not because we messed up but because we failed to try.
We fail to try out of the fear of fear and the fear of rejection, while forgetting that it’s all part of the experience.
We are afraid to ask even the simplest things.
We are just afraid to learn and take risks. 

The thing about living one’s life is that when we don’t go for what we want, we will grow resentment for the happiness we failed to create for ourselves,
We will never grow if we don’t make risky decisions,
We will never experience the joy of achieving something new from failed attempts.
If we don’t ignite the passion to keep burning within us,
We will live stagnant lives and end up hating some parts of our lives.
Our problem is that, we don’t push ourselves and use our God given talents,
Therefore, we will forever be reluctant to look forward to our future.

Enjoy your life.

Love

Love

The only source of life that can break and mend ones soul

The only one that makes one happy but sad, positive but negative only in two heart beats

The only one that can make one feel stupid but smart or heroic but powerless in romance

The only one that can make a person feel content but empty when the heart needs what it can’t have
At times it gives you hope but it takes it back again if this love is not reciprocated

The one emotion that has made me cry for the passing of people I knew little about just from seeing how much their loved ones loved them

It has taught me how to need and want to give with an open heart

To feel for people who feel nothing about me

To pray for people I didn’t know what their names were

To reach out my hand to help even when I was needing help self

Love, the only source of complete joy and peace from God

He who loves us even as sinners, 

He constantly loves us and has seen our worth to lay down His life for us

Love like His I love  

Farewells

Farewells are meant to be joyous, as we hope for the best journey of the ones departing.

Growth can sometimes be despised as it separates those that have been together for a while.

Though distance doesn't mean the end of a  friendship, but absence does make a forgetful mind.
We somehow forget you, since we won't being seeing you often;

But  we will at times remember the small space of time we shared.

We hope for you enough warm smiles and happy faces to where you going.

Have a confident heart and a willing spirit to look forward to every working day;

Cause a tired mind don’t mean lazy, it just means discouraged.

We hope for you great support and great colleagues.

We hope for you many sun shines and good rainy days.

While we hoping that we will surely see you again.

We hope the Lord blesses you more going forward.

Be blessed and be a blessing.

Bob Perks' "l wish you enough "

This poem was shared by my high school English teacher Mr Azagziba on our matric year. This is the last thing I remember high school and him by.

Sekete IV High School, class of 2009.

All I need

Maybe I am not passionate enough, maybe I don’t have enough drive, maybe my vision is not aggressive enough, maybe I dream very little, maybe my goals are not that radical or maybe my desires are just too redirected for now and maybe after this one part of my life, (unconditional adoration) is satisfied, it will open me up to need other things, but I don't need greed. I don’t understand why people are seeking absolute power; I don’t understand why we wage soo much war against one another, be it for power, for political correctness, for attention, for beauty or whatever other trivial things I see it being waged for.

I have no understanding of this world I find myself in and it makes it difficult for me to live like I am really living. For now, asking these questions is necessary for me to try and understand this in-need society I am growing up in. They are necessary for me to understand why we need all these luxuries to feel fulfilled and accomplished in life.

I just want to understand why not driving the most expensive car, living in a house of unnecessary amount of rooms or looking the most expensive dressed person in a crowd is not enough to show that one is living. I honestly just want to understand why having MORE than ENOUGH is necessary for our society. I asked some people some time ago that; if I have enough amount of money to satisfy all my basic and unnecessary demands of my monthly expenses, and have enough to help my children, relatives and not only for one generation but many after me to come, with my material wealth, why would I still have the greed to acquire some more? I was answered and I am still amazed by the unending need for wealth we all have.

If a person has a need to have a standard home with a sink and flushing toilet and drives a car that has four wheels and can move and has DSTV, while breathing and are healthy and comfortable, that’s fine, we all need comfortable lives, not the lives we struggle to always want to change a situation or always be faced with the struggles of poverty and constant need. But what I don’t understand is the need to have more rooms than what your family and visiting people would need and have more cars than the days of the week. I know, if you can, why not, but still why?

I am not saying people should not want to work HARDER, but what REALLY drives that?

Is that all there is to life really; where I went to school, if I have a higher education qualification, where I studied and what I studied there? Is what I am now and what position I hold or where I work to fund my standard of living or the lack of it thereof of that importance in this life. Is it all there is to living; competing with my mates, trying to get ahead in life better than my colleagues and relatives? Is it all there is to life; who I know and who does he or she know and who they know? Is it all there is to life though; to try to always accomplish something, win, come out on top, and succeed further, while neglecting others in the way? Is that all there is to life to be the one the one. Are all these things worth pursuing really and when will the cycle end?

 When will it be about the great sensation that comes with living happily with what one has, especially when it's enough, while wholeheartedly helping others on the way than the competition or the desperation of always getting ahead alone?  What drives this hunger to want to seem smarter, more attractive, wealthier, more musically talented, the one with better punch lines, what drives this need to be more accomplished than others, especially ones relatives. Is it all there is to live for?

All this self-centeredness drives “the divided we fall” situations we always find ourselves in. Instead of always wanting to be seen as a better party to deliver better services to communities, or the ONE to be voted into power for whatever reason, why shouldnt it be about uniting to do it better together than it being like a competition. Mara what about us the people who expect our government to carry us through and really help, than persistently confirming to us that its not really listening as our lives are evidence of lack. Things are not really changing and holes will keep on popping on the bucket of government trust that we have put our hope in. Why doesn’t other people’s need and poverty move us more than our self-enrichment?

When will it be about love, totally about love, unconditional love? When will it be about being constantly concerned about those homeless people we see year in year out? Our temporary relieve of giving blankets sometimes is not enough, I know it’s not only in South Africa that they are there but, this country is what faces us, or what we face every day, and I also know it doesn’t happen over a year to eradicate poverty and improve the lives of those homeless people, but I see nothing is happening, that is why the numbers are constantly increasing and situations worsening.

When will it be about true and lasting friendships, the joys and the contentment of seeing others getting ahead of us even when we don’t have anything to do with it or didn’t contribute to their success, cause at times we get more excited and feel better if a person acknowledges us as the one who helped them succeed, other than that we get jealous. When will it be about love and being totally happy for other people than wanting to be better or become more successful than them?  When will it be about true unconditional love, not only the one you show your spouse, family, relative, friends or people who are just in your social circle? When will it be about it being normal to just greet a stranger that you get the same tea with at your workplace kitchen? When will it be about just love? I love love and I love being adored and feeling like I belong, but my society constantly isolates me.

I don’t have solutions either I just have a bag full of questions and that persistent desire to want to help even if my help is not enough for all. I want to make a difference but all I have now is a need to help and I will do it by showing love. I have a wish to see our ill society being healed, like that guy's lyrics from “Hidden force: I also want God to give me a special hand that heals and change uMzansi ngale sandla so ku thobi intliziyo”.

I still love

At 20 years old, 

I fell in love with a guy who wouldn’t love me back.
He was sloppy in handling my heart, so it slipped, fell and broke into pieces. 
Since then, no one has been capable of putting the pieces together. 
It got shuttered too badly; I can’t even locate some of the pieces myself. 
You know I tried to forget him. I cried, I ate excessively to feel the void, I gained a whole lot of weight as proof, I even felt sorry for myself for crying so much. 
I promised myself to never fall so hard for a guy cause I can’t predict how insufficient they will love me. 
I still love though; I still try to find the warmth of that love that makes a cold heart jump like its being given a kiss of life. 
I still sing along to love songs, I still watch romantic movies and I still write love poems. 
I just realized that people who are incapable of loving themselves will be incapable of loving others. Like me sometimes. I don’t know how I still love, but I am afraid of falling in love. 
When I think of being loved I get cruel mental flashbacks of a person with a cold hug, cold stare, cold touch, no caressing, lazy smile and lackluster conversations. 
I would feel pity for him sometimes, thinking; maybe he also once loved a girl who wouldn’t love him back. 
You know I probed him many times why he wouldn’t say simple heartfelt romantic things, but I realized he couldn’t speak his heart as I expected him to. I can’t even remember how we came to be together. 
Despite my unfortunate luck in love; I still love. Though I am afraid to mean it, I still say “I love you”. 
I still write love letters though they don’t reach the recipient.
I still celebrate valentine and write valentine mushy stuff. 
I still wish I would receive nice texts, even if they are sent by mistake. 
I still hope that maybe one day a guy with a great heart, who has heat for me, will love me and I just hope I will still have it in me to love him the same if not more.    

When our friendship died

Dedication to all the friends I failed

It’s a normal thing for me that people don’t get me; it’s natural and understandable, but when there are few that actually do, I unintentionally push them away.

So when our friendship died I blamed it on me. I know I am the one at fault and as a way of making peace and making things alright, I am sorry. 

I am sorry I failed to often say hi. 

I am sorry I never bothered to ask for your digits so that I sometimes give you a ring. 

I am sorry that when things were not looking up for you, I failed to come and visit, and I am sorry that when things were looking up for you I failed to celebrate with you. 

I am sorry that when you invited me to the wedding I failed to come. 

I am sorry that you had to send me a few texts after several missed calls before I replied; I wish I could give you sound reasons why I didn’t pick up the phone. 

It’s because of me that our friendship died, I failed to know how to treat a good friend.

When our friendship died I got to see how few the gifts I have are from friends and how few friends’ numbers I have on my phone.

One huge thing I also saw was my entire selfishness, selfishness of time and space that prevents my friendships to be. When our friendship died I was convinced that I really don't deserve friendly companionship. That I am difficult to get through to, and that really, the cold wall I have built, that keeps all the warms of love, laughter and good friendships away, is really in good standing.

This wall I have built is so unshakable, high up, well-built and so rigid that not even cheerful smiles could melt it away. I used to think that I will grow old with my high school friends but then I realized I can’t keep people as lifelong friends. 

It hurts though, it hurts intensely more some days. 

I want this wall to fall, where should I start drilling it down? I am still reluctant of starting new friendships because of my lack of commitment to emotional attachment and I am so afraid of losing the few friends I still have. I regret not being wise and committed enough to be a good friend, your good friend. I am sorry still, that my sorry sounds so insincere but sorry is what I can say now and the unfortunate part is it cannot erase all my unfriendliness. 

I hope

I just hope someone remembers me in their daily prayers, especially tonight.
I hope for more friendly faces and good conversations.
I hope for more rain tomorrow and I hope I wake up more and more positive everyday, especially tomorrow.

I failed

Today I went for my driver's license test, and unsurprisingly I failed but  I was confident that I will fail. I have never in my life looked forward to getting bad news but it happens in life that you don't feel positive, at peace or confident about doing something. I am okay with it though, I am actually very relieved that on my first attempt I failed and that I am okay with it. Failing is something i never take lightly, i remember my shock when i failed my assignment, imagine failing an assignment, i worked hard on that assignment, and how I failed it, its a long story, but i was so embarrassed that i failed and that i failed that assignment. I cried like I lost a piece of my heart. I tried hiding from my roommate that i failed but i eventually told her and i felt so free afterwards. A lesson learnt is that failing is not something to bring embarrassment  but when you are honest about your failure and acknowledge what you can and cannot do, that will prevent you from getting mad about your weaknesses. When failure is acknowledged quick it allows for acceptance, closure and moving on. Wasting time dwelling on the pain of failure will only delay a person to learn better and move on.

I remember the time that I was teaching myself how to ride a bike, i kept falling, however that didn't deter me from trying again. Sometimes failure is there to build courage and to grow in us a spirit of persistence. Not so long ago, I started learning how to play the piano, I have never felt so slow and not so smart, yoo, maybe its cause i don't have anyone to teach and guide me and in this case failing doesn't make you persistent, it just makes one frustrated. I have never been able to pursue some of my dreams because of being afraid to fail. I always shy away from being the first person to ask for friendship or the first to ask for a favour or the first to try something new. A huge lesson learnt today is that I should not be afraid to fail or fail to tell people about my failures just because I am afraid of feeling worse or embarrassed about not succeeding at something. Failures are meant to teach us and help us to grow and to make us a bit wiser and informed. We can see our failures to be for our own good and when we acknowledge them, we move on as better people, wiser and enlightened.

I saw with the heart

To the start of a bad memory
The break up
To a temporary pause,
Swallowing a goodbye and a huge lump in my throat

Heavy breath released slow and a deep sigh to seal emotions.
To a new chance to look with a fresh perspective.
Laughters we shared and kind eyes we looked at each other with.
This is my temporary goodbye,
Of mental pictures of us laughing and walking by with joyful faces.
I sigh and try to think of something else, but
I remember again the happy faces with smiles that stretch the corners of the eyes.
The brief glances, the stolen looks, the turning of head to take one last mental picture of an expressed love from one to his lover.

What I know stands to be corrected

I am from a recent generation; I was only born two decades and thirty six months ago, 

So I am kind of new to seeing things for myself and experiencing life without being forewarned of what to guard against. 

I don’t have any older sibling nearby to guide me on things of being a noble woman, so I rely on the Bible and others experiences to be my guide. 

I didn't realise that the Bible has all the answers until I joined Hebrews Cell group back in 2010, my first year.  

I also didn't know much about praying, about God, salvation or even reading the bible. I did used to go to church but it was one of those with services where the pastor does everything, so we never really knew God for ourselves. 

Excuse being that the pastor is the only way for our prayers to properly ascend. I was young, I didn't know any better.  

Despite not knowing it all about how to live well, 

I know that people should respect themselves and live right. 

I know that I should live by prayer and never neglect going to church and it doesn't have to have a “because”. 

I know I should pray for others, even when I don’t personally know them. 

I know I should always say thank you, as my name. 

I know that I should be patient, I should wear my heart on the sleeves, be helpful, be very generous, be kind and tenderhearted; even on days I want to release my rage or show how frustrated I am. 

Yes, I know I am not forced to live selflessly, but these are ways to live harmoniously with others. 

As a person who strives to live in peace with others, I love to.

I know I shouldn't be silent about wrong things and I don’t have to make unnecessary noise when raising concerns. 

I know I have to offer sincere apologies 

I know I have to cry with those that are crying and laugh all the more with those that are running out of breath with laughter.  

I know I have to look happy at all times; I must speak polite and shouldn't sound aggressive. 

I know I should not jump into conclusion or make assumptions. 

I know I should always listen to my instincts and follow my hunches. 

I know I should look beyond a person’s appearance but see their heart and that will show on how they act. 

I know I shouldn't judge anyone, not to undermine people and never disrespect anyone. 

I know I should laugh longer at other people’s jokes, even when they are not that funny. 

I know I should accept hugs despite how much I often times hate being touched. 

I know I should accept when food is offered and always give thanks. 

I know I shouldn't take any offenses but be kind in addressing misunderstandings. 

I know I should not keep record of how many times a person has done me wrong. 

I know I should forgive and ask for forgiveness. 

I know I should not hold any grudges.

I know I should stand up for elders that do not have a seat. 

I know that respect is what I should practice daily, at every moment, even if I am not going to get it in return. 

I know I should be the happiest when the rain falls and smile with the sunshine. 

I know that God loves me, loves you and all of us alike and we should love each other the same. 

Even though I am not doing all that I know to be good and upright all the time, at least I know what I have to do.

If love can be taught

Nobody taught me how to love. 

As a young girl, nobody told me that I will feel weak at my knees and become dizzy and go a lil crazy at the sight of your face. 

Sometimes I get so light headed that I lose concentration at the sound of your voice and stammer when I speak at the mention of your name.

Nobody told me about the rush in my stomach and the cringing feeling that would prevent me to eat. Nobody told me about the cold and warm fuzzy feeling that chills and warms me when we cross paths, not to mention the tingling feeling on the palm of my hands and underneath my feet, I call it my lil chemistry thunderstorm.

Nobody taught me about how I should respond to a person who might say he loves me. 

So when he came along and told me he feels me, I didn't know how to love him back cause I never felt love apart from when I hear rain drops. 

Hence, I wouldn't properly figure out how to give my heart to thee, someone I barely knew. 

You kept pursuing but I shut you out completely and played pretend. 

I pretended not to feel anything when you smoothly and charmingly said "I love you". 

Silently you went away and that's when I was dying to let you know that I do too, I love you shortcakes.

I love you and I am amazed at how this has made me so open to love and warm hearted towards others, especially towards you. 

I never looked forward to what I would say or how it would make me feel or how I should respond to a person giving me so much attention.
If I have injured your cupid or burst your love bubble,

I am really sorry.

Declined confidence

It got me constantly quiet and  doubtful to take conversations with others.
It got me shy, be walking around with my head bowed down.
It got me feeling insecure about everything I am,
It has creepled my intellect and wisdom and has stolen my cool.

Declined confidence fails me to love, to look, to find and open my heart to him so deserving of this love which Christ has knitted for us to find comfort in.
It has had me say no! many more times even at times I had to say yes, please and thank you.

Declined confidence  has programmed me to think that a better day only depends on "if I wake up tomorrow" and hopes in "at least".
It got me fully overdressed as a way to cover a hole in my chest, and to provide me with temporary warms from the cloth of my hoodies and scarf.

Instead of saying hi and smile, I bow my head and walk with a straight face held down.
I don't even know how to pray no more, my dead confidence has taken hope and faith out of the consciousness of my prayer life. It just got me mumbling, praying like I am testing if God will come through for me.
Even when I know He always has and will forever come through for me, my suffering confidence still makes me sound unsure of my Father's great plans for my tomorrow.

Shaky confidence has got me to question everything I say and do and often forces me to rethink and second guess my ideas and rate them unimportant to be heeded to. It has got me feeling unworthy and undeserving of good things. It has made me ask "really, do you mean that?" when people tell me I look beautiful.

Even when God gave His Beloved Son to die for my rotten dying self, I wouldn't help but ask; "what's the catch?" cause I am not used to people just doing good things for me. I have questioned GRACE, cause my confidence is so little to recognise genuine love and care.

Love, love, love: my little confidence echos it in my mind and makes me ponder on whether if it does exist?
I wonder and wonder; does it come in a box of chocolates or is it the scent of that perfume or the lingerie that keeps all those unconfident self props from lingering. But then I remember the Cross.

My declined confidence has been lodging with me, hovering over me like a dark cloud, it looks like it ain't there but its weighing over the tension of my shoulders.
Even a punching bag cannot heal the bitterness of a broken heart, a heart that collapsed from the hands of a person with a weak and unwilling confidence.

Some of y'all's confidence had fallen down because of "another", that you thought you shared perfect love with. You gave your self wholeheartedly to him or her and expected as much in return, but the other's confidence didn't sustain them to give as much as you gave. Their poor confidence led them to believe that they don't deserve you, the all sufficient you.

Guard against the negative "at least", those are the beginning of declining confidence. Look out for those with inattentive ears, they are musing on their self worth, pull them out, and guard against not accepting help from strangers, some are heaven sent Angels.

Low self confidence is an illness we all have, we all get it triggered when disappointments pile up, when unreturned love, lies and disrespect are what we constantly get from loved ones. Some think its naturally normal to be shy and timid, but others are aware that its eating up their social lives' joy. I have seen that, lived it but I am done.

With great power comes great irresponsibility

With great power comes great irresponsibility
The power to do as you please,
Running towards the track of doing as it serves your good.
I don't want power and I don't want to be entrusted to lead.
I'd rather serve because that will lead me to see what needs to be led and how it needs to be led and what needs guidance to the mainstream path of good governance.

With great power comes great irresponsibility
The powerful gets enthroned high up, and that is not leadership, how do you lead people that you are so far away from.
With great power, no wait, even little power given with a plastic teaspoon, gives one the arrogance to act with some not understandable pride and aloofness.
The ungovernable power of a system with loopholes leads to untrustworthiness by people on the ground.
The people often lose hope on leadership that is gracing the seat in the skyline and doesn't mind its people.

With great power comes great irresponsibility
Even when you were once a good servant,
Somehow the danger of being given power gets you to also slowly decay in the corrupt path of undermining the system of good governance and great leadership,
Unless if you were once part of the majority, once ruled by the minority leadership rooted at the throne that is placed high above the clouds, you'd know how frustrating poor leadership feels like.

Distant leadership is where there is too much air that deafens the ears of leaders from hearing the heart piercing screams of people on the ground and;
Too much air that blurs their eyes from seeing what struggle the poor paupers are enduring on level ground.
That I tell you is a demonstration of the abuse of power;
Not caring for the people you are leading.

Hence, with great power comes great irresponsibility.
Power can be an enemy, because it influences a person to think that they can get away with mischievous and ungovernable behaviour.
To those that power is bestowed upon, let there be caution in exercising it.
Good people with great minds seek good advices
Especially on matters that are too great to be handled single handedly
No matter being a king, president or CEO, rule with power and dont  let power control you.

Life without a best friend

I grew up without a friend
A best friend would then be a luxury
Not even a simple colleague or a church mate
Has come close to become a friend

Is it because I am difficult to get used to or undeserving of friendship
Do I come across as too withdrawn and selfish
Is it because I am tall and big or
Is it just because I don't make an effort to be in the mix of things

Does having reliable friends mean that you are mentally attractive and easily approachable or
Does it mean you hold great conversations or
Does it mean you dress well or have a rare talent or
Does it mean you are more generous and always available even at impossible times?
I wonder, I constantly wonder

I wonder what being and having good friends looks and feels like
Not for my sake but
I need to share with the shy younger me-like persons, unfortunate souls

A life without a friend is difficult, too hard to cope
Having no one to share conversations with,
To share those dear life experiences, those misfortunes and those other moments you can't talk with your self about after prayer, is depressing.
Most days are sad and get by very slow and these sad emotions feel like physical pain.