I still love

At 20 years old, 

I fell in love with a guy who wouldn’t love me back.
He was sloppy in handling my heart, so it slipped, fell and broke into pieces. 
Since then, no one has been capable of putting the pieces together. 
It got shuttered too badly; I can’t even locate some of the pieces myself. 
You know I tried to forget him. I cried, I ate excessively to feel the void, I gained a whole lot of weight as proof, I even felt sorry for myself for crying so much. 
I promised myself to never fall so hard for a guy cause I can’t predict how insufficient they will love me. 
I still love though; I still try to find the warmth of that love that makes a cold heart jump like its being given a kiss of life. 
I still sing along to love songs, I still watch romantic movies and I still write love poems. 
I just realized that people who are incapable of loving themselves will be incapable of loving others. Like me sometimes. I don’t know how I still love, but I am afraid of falling in love. 
When I think of being loved I get cruel mental flashbacks of a person with a cold hug, cold stare, cold touch, no caressing, lazy smile and lackluster conversations. 
I would feel pity for him sometimes, thinking; maybe he also once loved a girl who wouldn’t love him back. 
You know I probed him many times why he wouldn’t say simple heartfelt romantic things, but I realized he couldn’t speak his heart as I expected him to. I can’t even remember how we came to be together. 
Despite my unfortunate luck in love; I still love. Though I am afraid to mean it, I still say “I love you”. 
I still write love letters though they don’t reach the recipient.
I still celebrate valentine and write valentine mushy stuff. 
I still wish I would receive nice texts, even if they are sent by mistake. 
I still hope that maybe one day a guy with a great heart, who has heat for me, will love me and I just hope I will still have it in me to love him the same if not more.    

When our friendship died

Dedication to all the friends I failed

It’s a normal thing for me that people don’t get me; it’s natural and understandable, but when there are few that actually do, I unintentionally push them away.

So when our friendship died I blamed it on me. I know I am the one at fault and as a way of making peace and making things alright, I am sorry. 

I am sorry I failed to often say hi. 

I am sorry I never bothered to ask for your digits so that I sometimes give you a ring. 

I am sorry that when things were not looking up for you, I failed to come and visit, and I am sorry that when things were looking up for you I failed to celebrate with you. 

I am sorry that when you invited me to the wedding I failed to come. 

I am sorry that you had to send me a few texts after several missed calls before I replied; I wish I could give you sound reasons why I didn’t pick up the phone. 

It’s because of me that our friendship died, I failed to know how to treat a good friend.

When our friendship died I got to see how few the gifts I have are from friends and how few friends’ numbers I have on my phone.

One huge thing I also saw was my entire selfishness, selfishness of time and space that prevents my friendships to be. When our friendship died I was convinced that I really don't deserve friendly companionship. That I am difficult to get through to, and that really, the cold wall I have built, that keeps all the warms of love, laughter and good friendships away, is really in good standing.

This wall I have built is so unshakable, high up, well-built and so rigid that not even cheerful smiles could melt it away. I used to think that I will grow old with my high school friends but then I realized I can’t keep people as lifelong friends. 

It hurts though, it hurts intensely more some days. 

I want this wall to fall, where should I start drilling it down? I am still reluctant of starting new friendships because of my lack of commitment to emotional attachment and I am so afraid of losing the few friends I still have. I regret not being wise and committed enough to be a good friend, your good friend. I am sorry still, that my sorry sounds so insincere but sorry is what I can say now and the unfortunate part is it cannot erase all my unfriendliness. 

I hope

I just hope someone remembers me in their daily prayers, especially tonight.
I hope for more friendly faces and good conversations.
I hope for more rain tomorrow and I hope I wake up more and more positive everyday, especially tomorrow.

I failed

Today I went for my driver's license test, and unsurprisingly I failed but  I was confident that I will fail. I have never in my life looked forward to getting bad news but it happens in life that you don't feel positive, at peace or confident about doing something. I am okay with it though, I am actually very relieved that on my first attempt I failed and that I am okay with it. Failing is something i never take lightly, i remember my shock when i failed my assignment, imagine failing an assignment, i worked hard on that assignment, and how I failed it, its a long story, but i was so embarrassed that i failed and that i failed that assignment. I cried like I lost a piece of my heart. I tried hiding from my roommate that i failed but i eventually told her and i felt so free afterwards. A lesson learnt is that failing is not something to bring embarrassment  but when you are honest about your failure and acknowledge what you can and cannot do, that will prevent you from getting mad about your weaknesses. When failure is acknowledged quick it allows for acceptance, closure and moving on. Wasting time dwelling on the pain of failure will only delay a person to learn better and move on.

I remember the time that I was teaching myself how to ride a bike, i kept falling, however that didn't deter me from trying again. Sometimes failure is there to build courage and to grow in us a spirit of persistence. Not so long ago, I started learning how to play the piano, I have never felt so slow and not so smart, yoo, maybe its cause i don't have anyone to teach and guide me and in this case failing doesn't make you persistent, it just makes one frustrated. I have never been able to pursue some of my dreams because of being afraid to fail. I always shy away from being the first person to ask for friendship or the first to ask for a favour or the first to try something new. A huge lesson learnt today is that I should not be afraid to fail or fail to tell people about my failures just because I am afraid of feeling worse or embarrassed about not succeeding at something. Failures are meant to teach us and help us to grow and to make us a bit wiser and informed. We can see our failures to be for our own good and when we acknowledge them, we move on as better people, wiser and enlightened.