I wish

I wish  was married straight after matric and became a house wife or 

I wish I went straight to the SANDF and became a soldier like I always wanted to or

I wish I was married immediately after matric, went to the military and started my family after two years there.

I wish I fell in love with a boy from my childhood or met my high school sweetheart, better yet taken a chance and dated a boy in varsity.

I wish I was 6 kids in with 2 sets of twins in a homely house in a farm like neighbourhood and a husband who loves and serves God with his all but also so in love with me can't stop thanking God for me.  

No one ever knows how life is supposed to turn out but many make plans that they work hard to execute, while I never even tried to dream.

I remember wanting to cease to live in middle school so I started drinking thee strongest coffee hoping it would trigger a heart attack cause I heard someone say it would but now I am 33, still stuck with not knowing what to do with my life. Nothing excites. I can't even be God's good soldier with the silly sins I keep doing. 

I am tired. 

If I had to turn it around I would cease to live today but 

Since that is also not possible, I wish I would be a lotto millionaire and focus my efforts on making the lives of homeless people a bit better.

Being prayed for

Ever been at a point in your life where you wonder if people really pray for you. I don't mean like when a pastor says "my prayer for you is" in a church service sense, but when a person genuinely says "dear Father God I pray for "insert name" today, whatever aspect of their life that needs filling, please provide for them, hold them, lead them, protect them and be their all" type of sense. 

Life is soo tough to only be the only one that prays for yourself. We can't be dealing with life alone when life throws so many heavy punches at us so frequently. Even the bible says two are better than one, the beating that life is handing to me sometimes, I wish I would be taking it with someone else besides me, I know we are all going through a lot, but it would be way better for someone to share their experiences with me so that I would feel encouraged to face the music.

With 31 around the corner I genuinely pray that there are real conversations that people are having with God about me and less happy birthday messages being sent my way, fun fact, I don't like receiving "happy birthday" messages, they hurt. So please to make my day brighter, just say a real prayer to Father God for me.

Thank You and may God's face shine upon you, may God hear and answer your prayers, May God provide for your immediate and future needs, may God continuously smile at you and may God cause people to go out of their way to be kind to you. Amen

A whispered prayer

Raetsho yo o kwa Legodimong

O intshwarele 

It's tough 

O ntlhatlhobe ka metlha

Le motlha ke lapang 

O ntlatse ka matla.

Feelings

Love so fierce like wild fire

Endless conversations

An overflow of affection

The heart still skips beats for you

The warm embrace still turns my stomach red 

Weakness takes hold of my knees, I am sprung

A promise - the beginning

Eye corners see plenty

The brain concludes a lot

The heart acts its own script out

The movie of emotions unfold stories yet to be told

Walking besides each other

Occasional brief eye contact to confirm presence

Hands glued to each other, to signify that we want nothing to tear us apart

Approvals of people seen by bright smiles, love filled eyes and cheerfulness 

It is done but it's the beginning ❣

Responding honestly to myself

I have never had a terrible interview but I haven't been hired often either, actually I have not had interviews that exceed the palm of my hand. 

I also laugh at the many years I have worked but I still don't master anything. I hate how my experience amounts to nothing on every application I send, it hurts a little that I am replaceable and easy to forget.

Honestly though, I cry at how stupid I seem on paper, at how easy to delete my resume is and how easy to drop my call is. It makes it difficult to wake up and try again. It puts a person in a space of being tired to live but also wanting to survive. 

I wholeheartedly agree that my experience is inferior and my qualifications don't make me special. I agree that nothing sets me apart, that it's easy to find someone like me, that I am easy to overlook and my existance doesn't make any difference, honestly, I see why it's easy to refer to me as number 318 on row 2 seat 12.

No, I have no external pressure. I am not looking at anyone else's success, 'am not feeling like time is running out more than it already has, I am not stressed, I am just feeling like I am asking "what is going on" a lot. I often wonder what am I paying attention to when God speaks. I've missed so many instructions of my destination that I get lost ever so often.

Legale, 'am just writing to comfort myself. 

Testimony 1

My Postgrad year was 2013, the toughest year of my life academically, financially and spiritually. 

I've never been unable to cope with school pressure in my whole 3 years as an undergrad like I did in my postgrad. Honours felt like 3 years of schooling in one year. 

Financially; though the university was paying for my Honours year fees, I had to pay for my own accommodation, the most expensive thing in Joburg for students. 

Spiritually; I no longer lived with my group of cool, warm hearted, smart people which I lodged with for 2 to 3 years and we used to have cell together, which really pulled me through my 3 years at varsity.

During 2013 I knew I wanted to move to Pretoria for my SANDF grad program, which I applied so many times for as an undergrad but never got a single response back. 

So the end of my postgrad year I applied for an internship and a job. Around end October beginning of November I went to the first round of the internship and got called in for the second round, I felt very confident after those two rounds. Then in December the job I had applied for in October called me in for an interview. I went and had to do a tough assessment online afterwards.

Now, festive was in full mode, no workplace was giving responses so I had to wait for January.  I prayed and prayed for both roles and let God pick me for the one He saw me better suited for. 

Towards the end of Jan I got an email from the internship place and they told me that I was unsuccessful for their program. The crazy thing is that later that very same day I got a call that I was successful for the job and training was starting on the 03rd of February 2014. And the job was in Pretoria though we got interviewed and did our training in Joburg.

The move of God is apparent and to think that I had never worked anywhere else before that place is amazing because I ended up staying for many years than I anticipated I would and got blessed in mega ways that deserve to be told as their own testimonies. 

Be encouraged and remain hopeful in whatever you are trusting God for because he is faithful and His promises come through and His plans for each of us never get derailed. 

Amen 🙏🏽