Broken heart

💔

I hope that she is that special, 

I mean, I thought I was, but I guess not enough to capture all your heart. 

I was totally blinded by your charm and mistook it for true love😔.

Please don’t get me wrong, 

Don’t think of this as toxic spewing of bitter bile by a heart broken girl, 

I am just saying my feelings out for closure, no hard feelings,

I don't fight destiny, you know that. 

So if she was able to catch your eye, cloud your mind and take your heart captive like that, while i was still renting a room in it, who am i now to act like the landlord? 

Parts of me are still numb to all this but i guess she is a-kind-of-a-must-keep and I must move on.

I assure you, I am happy that you found someone who is that special to you that you can't tolerate a sight of me anymore.

Someone whose touch is much softer and better soothing than mine,

Someone with a smile so radiant that it didnt just capture your eyes but it tickled your senses. 

I hope that when you are at work it excites you to think about going home to her, 

I hope the thought of her makes your heart race with joy knowing that she is waiting for you.

I hope that when you get home, 

You wrap her in your arms and make her feel loved and adored,

I hope that your eyes gazes at her beautiful face with adoration that you would not want to look at any other woman.

But in all this, I wish I hadn’t been there before, back in the days, when our romance was booming.

I wish I was not the one you used to wrap in your arms, feel your heart beat and breathe in the air you exhaled.

I want to forget your prayers for 'us', 

I wanna wipe your electrifying gaze and your warm whispers away from my memory

I wanna wash away your touch from my skin

I wish wishing was able to blow away memories.

One day though,

I will wake up in a much peaceful space, 

With all your scent late in my memory, 

My skin will no longer remember your touch and the brush of your lips on my cheeks. 

One day, I will get over every date we created memories on, but for now as my memory doesn't want to erase your humour and as my heart fails to adjust to the pain, 

I will grow numb to what we used to be.

I wish I had been better but maybe it would still not have been enough.

And so for you, 

I hope and fervently pray that you enjoy all the romance experienced by a person who has met their soulmate. 

I hope you wake up at peace, with no regret for choosing to stare in different eyes in the morning or brushing a different hair texture, or hugging a smaller framed body.

I hope you don’t remember any piece of me when you look at her. 

May her very being be what you have always wanted and are most satisfied with.

I hope she speaks much softer, makes you laugh, loves to dance and prays for you.

I hope you both have a great future. I accept the way things turned out and I respect the lesson for the future in all this, being that “if a man loves another woman while he is with you, then he deserves to be set free" to enjoy that woman freely with all the explorative might he has and I am glad I did that for you. 

About the awkward encounters

Written Saturday 05 May 2018 22:10
Editing and posting Today

Another one inspired by Joe's "On a scale" and generally the impenetrable ice wall that no ice breaker can break each time we meet.

There is this silence that says to me "i am low key intimidated by your height or your boldness", when i meet people. I get that feeling from the estranged people i no longer often see and strangers that I know; (those people you see often but dont know). These people make me think that they are afraid to speak to me, or maybe i am making them feel the same way?
I know i am not dazzling but i am not that bad to speak with or just greet. Even when i am the one doing the greeting, its not welcomed with warmness. You know silent acceptance of a greeting that almost sound like it didn't happen, that one, that bad one that make you feel very shy and awkward around people after the greeting. Honestly, each time we meet its like an iceburg going upside down, i find it difficult to speak freely because you are looking at me like i am some unusual creature.

So here, this is for you:

Maybe the awkward moments have to happen before we get to the comfortable stage of sitting in complete silence without feeling weird around each other.

Maybe the awkward hellos and a long pause before “how are you”, which usually never come, have to happen before the warm greetings, that are accompanied by big cheerful smiles, compliments and silly jokes.

Maybe the forced hugs that began as a weird hand shake have to happen, before the warm grizzly hugs that swells the heart with warm blood. Maybe later the hugs will not be as forced as now, so then i am making way for bear hugs and free flowing conversations.

Maybe meeting at weddings is the only place we need to meet to pass the awkwardness stage- that give me horrible flashbacks when I am sitting alone thinking back.

Maybe later the spontaneous calls and texts will marry into our friendship.

Maybe all the things we say in silence in this awkward stage will be vocalised, cause we speak a lot with silence and eyes.

Maybe one day our weird connection will be replaced by great laughter and long conversations, because i am tired of the vagueness, i am tired of us not being ourselves, i am tired of us saying everything else but what we really want to say because maybe we are making each other feel uncomfortable.

I hope that the comfortable stage will find us still young and creative with words, fresh with no wrinkles and knees still strong for long strolls and dances. For now, I am embracing the awkwardness and weirdness surrounding us.

Inspired by Joe

Maybe feeling like i am being ignored is God's way of showing me how it feels for Him when i don't spend time with Him.

Maybe the disconnect and the void i feel is how He feels when i offer my half hearted prayers, busy making noise with repetitive utterances. 

Maybe when i sometimes feel jealous seeing a group of friends together in joyful spirit, its how God feels when i prioritise everything but Him, only when things don't go as well as planned on my priority list, it's then when i turn to Him to fix things for me. 

Does God ever feel used and not cared for?Does God feel lonely for us to converse with Him full heartedly?
Does God ever long for our worship, our prayers and requests? 
Does He ever wonder why we are so distant and cold, so uncaring and unkind? 
Rejected does He ever feel? 

Snubbed is how my mom maybe feels when we don't run to her for everything anymore, because even when we can do things for ourselves, mothers always want to help.

Maybe that is how my friends also feel when i disconnect with them without reason. 

The relationship puzzle is never complete, we have to pour into each other always. 
All relationships in general are like folding a fitted bed sheet, at times when we are more focused and put a lil more effort, we fold it better, but most times we are sloopy and leave it so-so, folded but in a shabby way. 
Much like our day to day friendships with parents or with friends, or co-workers and even church mates, they are never perfect, they only gets better as we grow older and are more attentive. 

Relationships, even the one we have with God, are like a Rubik's Cube. A Rubik's cube can be fine, we buy it figured on all sides, but we mess it up and i don't know why but it's as if we prefer the mess cause we never fix it back, only a select few can. 
Our relationships, even the one we have with God, are not perfect, and are not all a mess but we create the mess further for the worst with the near to zero commitment, not praying, not worshipping, telling lies and covering up, with not fully communicating, leaving a lot to the other person to conclude, giving love half heartedly, giving divided attention, not being truthful, genuine and not paying attention. 

Keep in mind that how we feel at times, might be the same as how other people feel when we do to them what we dont want done to us. Don't neglect others to not be neglected, don't shame others not to be shamed back, don't undermine or disrespect others to not be undermined and disrespected. 
Remembering that, maybe the way we feel is how others also feel when we do to them what we dont want being done to us. 

In the end all that i am hoping for are more meaningful connections, deep and honest affection shared, if possible over communication, genuine love and near perfect relationships. I hope for more well folded fitted bed sheets, reality perfect bonds, better figured out Rubik's Cubes and better looking life puzzles. I want us all to always start, progress and finish all with God being our helper and strength.

Hebrews 10 Cell

All the all-night prayers
The mini room prayers
The community outreaches
The individual prayers 
The sharing of the Word of God and 
The gathering together worshipping,
Were the best moments of my time as a student. 
No exaggeration, it was better than all my lecture attendance, because at least the quality of time I spent with y’all built me and positively poured into my life and still is.
Unlike the hours I spent studying things I can't even remember anymore, there are times I remember the scriptures we shared and the culture we lived, which I am still conforming to.

Unlike the hours I spent writing assignments and studying for exams, what I learnt from our gatherings was a great foundation for my faith, its were the foundation of my prayer time and daily devotion, (things that I were not accustomed to before), was laid.
The sister and brotherhood is still there, unlike the exam papers I wrote. At least I can still see y’all at events, at least I have names to call out when I pray.

I realised that the Hand of God is upon me, maybe I would have got a job after matric, maybe I would have gone overseas, maybe got married, or got swallowed by the untolds of wherever I would have been, but because God’s guiding and protective Hand is upon me and that He works in amazing ways, meeting y'all had to happen. Maybe if i had not met y'all, I would still be just a person without a friend, alone in my bubble world of feeling sorry for myself, with a shabby prayer life and a godless lifestyle. But because God works in amazing ways, and that His Hand is really upon me, I had to meet you. God poured in you before so that you pour in me and I am grateful. 

Stay blessed. 

Life and nature

Gaze your eyes upon the cloudy skies and remember the sunny days.
Feel the cold breeze and remember the destitude.
The scorching sun not only burns the people but plants and animals too. 
The pain of child birth gives life
This world is harsh to many while blessing many more.
The roads we travel on to go see loved ones and friends, take the lives of others.
The same rain that brings water to give life,
Drowns others and erode the land.
The strong winds around might be distant kisses blown from one to the other,
While heavy rains might be tears of the broken hearted.
I am not blaming nature for what looks like its  mistreating us, i am just amazed of what wonder it can be. 
Its amazing how the heart that can love one can hate the other,
The hand that comforts the other can hurt another,
The lips that smile for the side lover can curse the spouse,
The distance between us can draw us closer to each other,
And the beauties of life and the other world help us remember the maker, while the troubles of life remind us to seek and trust the maker.

Peace

Love

Love to some people is a struggle.
It is difficult to give and even harder to receive.
To some, even saying the word love, feels very uncomfortable.
Most claim to know how to truly give it, while a very few get it right.
Most say it’s a feeling or some chill of sort, and like the rest, they love conditionally.

We care for looks, the posh the better, we care for the small and visible things the most, the face structure and how the lip curls when one smiles
We care for titles and the size of pockets, where one works, who they associate with and their petty possessions, but real love should be enough.

To those who are given even just a little genuine love, grab it tight and never want to let it go because for most, true love is a rare find.

Most are sceptical to open their hearts to love, because at some point it gets down to “I just don’t love you no more”.
I wonder how love ends, only for the said person to go find someone else to say I love you to again?

How do we keep falling in and out of love!

While people are using and mistreating you with their shoddy love, please know this for a fact and always rely on it:
God loves you,
Don't ever doubt that.
God cares for you and wants you to enjoy life in its fullness. 
Don't hold back from God. Guard against the temporary love promises of the world. 
Don't sacrifice the joy of being in the Lord for the superficial fun of the world.
Don't forfeit the eternal love of God for the conditional love of a mate. And if you choose to love please do it genuinely.

God loves you. He doesn't judge harshly like i do, HIS love is not lacking like mine, HIS patience doesn't run out like mine. He is merciful and patient, and doesn't put conditions to love you. 

I think my friend is a near perfect disciple because to wait 7 years to be loved back by a supposed soulmate is very deep. Her love is truly patient. 

“Love is not easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs, does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres”. 

At first sight

A taxi ride from Rustenburg to Joburg. The meeting of that one.

As we sat on the taxi that day, she sat and sighed as she flashed back to the day it happened. 

-------------------------------

She looked at me and said "I met him at this taxi rank. It was February 2011, two weeks after burying my grandma. I was going back to Joburg to register and prepare for a new academic year.  

I was sitting next to the window and my cousin was on my left, when I saw two guys get on the taxi. I knew the one, but not the other one he was with. I must have been staring cause that's were it all began. My mind playing tricks on me, convincing my heart to beat faster, turning me into a pale staring gawk. I was semi charmed honestly. My mind must have convinced my heart at that moment that it's not gonna fall for someone else after him. I took in his shimmering face, inviting eyes and his great looking self.

En route joburg, as I spoke to my cousin, I would notice him looking my way through the small spaces between the seats. It might have been my imagination but I have never been convinced otherwise ever since. Cupid had done did it.

I don't remember what happened next but my cousin and I got off at Park Station to go to my aunt's place. I thought it was the end of it. A few weeks after registration, I moved in at res and we had a home cell meeting. Low and behold, my taxi guy at our meeting. I have never felt all my senses working at the same time as I did that day. 

As we were doing our greetings, he looked at me and said, "hi my name is...",  woow did I not die and resussitate myself while still standing staring at him. By the time mind would alert my body that "your jaw is on the floor and you acting crazy" the time was up and I wouldn't extend my hand anymore and say "Phindi from 214". He never really spoke to me afterwards and I am still stuck in 2011 with the thought of what would have 'us' been like.

Even though we were never together, we atleast deserve to be platonic best friends". 

"Chommie", she looks at me, "I dont know how to move on from this crush or how to tell him of my undying feelings for him..., do you think I should just tell him, just to get it out even though nothing comes out of it?"

------------------------------

I am sure you felt it when you once met someone you thought, finally "the one made out of my very rib or the one his rib I am made from". Of course it feels excruciatingly painful to meet someone like that and you fumble.  It's unexplainable how love is wired for some people but I also guess if something had to come out of that "crush at first sight" moment, God would have let it happen so but here is my friend still reminiscing about the one she loved for over seven years from a distance.

I believe she loves him, but I think she is also fixated upon a love she created out of aloneness and pinned a face to it, without realising a baggage of an imaginative love she was creating. I mean these people are not even friends from where I stand, they just know each others names. I am not saying they will never be together but I think if you really love someone you would tell 'em sooner than wait this long. I mean if you feel for 'em that badly you will shout it from a hilltop. Wouldn't you? 

So to why would my friend wait for her supposed crush of 7 years ago to say something in this era, I don't know! As the waiting continues, I think, if true love has something to do with it, its too profound for my foolish understanding. 

I often wonder why can't she just write him off and move on, not out of nje closure, but her warm love deserves reciprocation not this torture of punishment she has heaped on herself. 

I do envy her patience in love but I don't want the pain of disappointment of waiting for something that might never be as fireworks as anticipated. It hurts to wait; waiting is a cruel exercise. I truly hope she will be blessed with exactly and more of what she is hoping this waiting brings her. I hope he has been waiting and preparing to meet her again and actually say something this time around, just as my friend has been waiting for him. I hope that the taxi ride they took those years ago will get to be told in their love story and I hope that their union will be abundantly blessed. 

My greatest weakness

“You can’t heal what you don’t reveal”, right?

My biggest flaw is that, the moment I know that I can do something, somehow I can’t. I know well that one thing standing between me and doing great, is knowing that I can. I know I have the potential, I have the most teachable spirit and the willingness to do the work, but somehow I get restrained by something, I hold back and blend in than stand out. When I am supposed to do something in that moment, I can’t, but the moment I am no longer required to, I do it, with less effort even. You know that moment when things happen without forcing them, that is what happens with me, most of the time. If I try too hard, it’s not always that I get great results. 

In most instances, if I have to answer a question on the spot, or do anything that focuses the attention on me, I fail dismally. Then I would feel embarrassed and worried of what people think about me. The great thing is that, I don’t beat myself up about these situations anymore. I have made peace with the cycle of life, we make mistakes, fail, try, fail, try again and move on, feeling embarrassed doesn’t help the situation, it only makes it worse. I still need to overcome being afraid of the positive attention though. The mini panic attack I get for attention must come to an end. I think sometimes I come across as if I am not passionate about anything, just because I hold back a lot, and it can be mistaken for shyness or timidity.

I strive and flourish in comfort zone. My home is my stage, I am confident all the time but at home, I am most confident. Unfortunately the world is out there not in my small room, and to accomplish dreams, I have to go out there. Home is the most comfortable place one can be in, a place where you find most people walking around with no make-up or perfect outfit. There are no harsh criticisms and judgements there, we all flourish and slay in our comfort zones. However, it’s a bad place to always escape to because with comfort we get too relaxed, and abundance of leisure time results in laziness.
Even though it’s not in everything that I do, that I fail under the spot light, it’s in the things that I love the most and are most excited to try that I struggle with hitting the bull’s eye the first time. I will try again, and again and again and again and i will eventually get it right, i will hit the bull's eye on the first try. 

Knowing yourself

If you are sure of your voice, you might be part of the choir. Knowing yourself gets you the golden ticket and enables you to make it further than others. You might think you sing soprano when in fact alto and tenor suits you better. However, if you force to sing soprano and get cut off the choir, it’s not because you don’t know how to sing, but because you are singing a pitch higher than your voice can manage. Try a lower pitch, don’t doubt yourself, you have it in you to make it.

In middle school I wanted to be in the school choir badly, but I was cut off because I thought I was a soprano singer but my voice was too deep for it. Since I wouldn’t sing soprano, I thought I can’t sing. I was never told that alto is for people like me, those gifted with a deeper and richer voice.

Lesson learnt; sometimes taking a step back or a standard lower, doesn’t mean giving up. Stop taking the negative things that people say about you as the truth of who you are. You might attempt being a radio jock but fail at it, however, not being able to hold it down for the listeners doesn’t automatically mean you can’t be a dope producer. The same as struggling with modelling doesn’t mean you can’t be a great photographer. Beethoven was slightly deaf and struggled with conducting his own music. Just because he struggled with conducting didn’t mean he couldn’t compose great music. He knew himself and his struggles and therefore was able to work around them with less frustration. The "I can’t do this" attitude must die, its killing many talented people.

I have always thought of myself as a person who helps others be best. I don’t mind being "always the bride's maid and never the bride". It’s not that I don’t have goals, or have low standards. I am the biggest "hype man". I love it when I see people happy, laughing and less stressed, even if it means I have to sacrifice a lot to put a smile on their face. I love giving genuine compliments and asking people if they are okay, because I am happier when other people are happy. I love the exchange of positive energy. Happiness to one should be happiness to all right? That’s why I don’t understand why people would be jealous. What are jealous people saying though; that its better when it’s them who are succeeding and f the rest? Jealous people are actually selfish, it’s their way or no way at all.

I am super content, I know myself so much that nothing can break me. I live by selflessness, humbleness, discipline, loyalty, trustworthiness, integrity and peace building. It doesn’t take anything away from me to be happy for people making it in life before me.

I can’t emphasise how important it is to know yourself. Know yourself so much that though you fit in, you stand out; not for recognition and praise but for a happy conscience. Do you have a happy conscience? Why don’t you? Is it because other people's success and happiness should be yours than theirs? Know yourself best and capitalise on your strengths.

I love it when I don’t know something or when I think I do but get corrected, because that’s an opportunity to learn.

It’s not many people that I know, that know that they know themselves. There is one person I recently met when I went for voice over training, that my observation told me, man this person knows himself.

            I think people know that you know yourself;

• When you don’t sweat the small stuff.
• When you are so secure that you are not afraid if people were to see you make a mistake.
• When you are not afraid that other people are or might be better than you, because you teach while remaining teachable.
• When you are open to learning and sharing with others.
• When you remain humble and patient to hold other people's hands and raise them up to be better.
• When you don’t underestimate and undermine anyone because you know that it’s God who qualifies people.
• When you know yourself, other people's success fills you up with joy and accomplishment.

Thank you so much Weza for giving so much of yourself to empower us. Your enthusiasm is mind blowing, and your selflessness is incredible. I am inspired by your hard work. You are amazing, keep paying it forward and God bless you. 

So imagine if more people would truly know themselves. Nobody would ever say "don’t shine on my shine".

A short one

I hope you read your daily scriptures and stay fervent in prayer.

May you always play great chords and melodic keys.

Be served great food and never run out of your favourite drink.
May you decorate your pictures with your fine poses and have a great display for them.

May you always be humble and have a gentle heart that never tires of doing good.

May your voice always be calm and soothing to those who are listening to you and may your energy give off enlightenment and positivity.

Your good posture and well-mannered self oozes so much charm. Keep at it. 

May your smile always be bright and your eyes sparkle with happiness.

Always keep your lips moisturized, for you never know who you might meet.

May you find strength in knowing that you are in my memories, especially when you tire to meet tomorrow.

Always be served well done stake, and remember pizza its not carbs or junk and chocolate is a plant.

Always have your bass as your friend and jazz as your best friend.

Rock your ben hogans with style and

Never be afraid to say hi to strangers, not everyone is untrustworthy.