About the awkward encounters

Written Saturday 05 May 2018 22:10
Editing and posting Today

Another one inspired by Joe's "On a scale" and generally the impenetrable ice wall that no ice breaker can break each time we meet.

There is this silence that says to me "i am low key intimidated by your height or your boldness", when i meet people. I get that feeling from the estranged people i no longer often see and strangers that I know; (those people you see often but dont know). These people make me think that they are afraid to speak to me, or maybe i am making them feel the same way?
I know i am not dazzling but i am not that bad to speak with or just greet. Even when i am the one doing the greeting, its not welcomed with warmness. You know silent acceptance of a greeting that almost sound like it didn't happen, that one, that bad one that make you feel very shy and awkward around people after the greeting. Honestly, each time we meet its like an iceburg going upside down, i find it difficult to speak freely because you are looking at me like i am some unusual creature.

So here, this is for you:

Maybe the awkward moments have to happen before we get to the comfortable stage of sitting in complete silence without feeling weird around each other.

Maybe the awkward hellos and a long pause before “how are you”, which usually never come, have to happen before the warm greetings, that are accompanied by big cheerful smiles, compliments and silly jokes.

Maybe the forced hugs that began as a weird hand shake have to happen, before the warm grizzly hugs that swells the heart with warm blood. Maybe later the hugs will not be as forced as now, so then i am making way for bear hugs and free flowing conversations.

Maybe meeting at weddings is the only place we need to meet to pass the awkwardness stage- that give me horrible flashbacks when I am sitting alone thinking back.

Maybe later the spontaneous calls and texts will marry into our friendship.

Maybe all the things we say in silence in this awkward stage will be vocalised, cause we speak a lot with silence and eyes.

Maybe one day our weird connection will be replaced by great laughter and long conversations, because i am tired of the vagueness, i am tired of us not being ourselves, i am tired of us saying everything else but what we really want to say because maybe we are making each other feel uncomfortable.

I hope that the comfortable stage will find us still young and creative with words, fresh with no wrinkles and knees still strong for long strolls and dances. For now, I am embracing the awkwardness and weirdness surrounding us.

Inspired by Joe

Maybe feeling like i am being ignored is God's way of showing me how it feels for Him when i don't spend time with Him.

Maybe the disconnect and the void i feel is how He feels when i offer my half hearted prayers, busy making noise with repetitive utterances. 

Maybe when i sometimes feel jealous seeing a group of friends together in joyful spirit, its how God feels when i prioritise everything but Him, only when things don't go as well as planned on my priority list, it's then when i turn to Him to fix things for me. 

Does God ever feel used and not cared for?Does God feel lonely for us to converse with Him full heartedly?
Does God ever long for our worship, our prayers and requests? 
Does He ever wonder why we are so distant and cold, so uncaring and unkind? 
Rejected does He ever feel? 

Snubbed is how my mom maybe feels when we don't run to her for everything anymore, because even when we can do things for ourselves, mothers always want to help.

Maybe that is how my friends also feel when i disconnect with them without reason. 

The relationship puzzle is never complete, we have to pour into each other always. 
All relationships in general are like folding a fitted bed sheet, at times when we are more focused and put a lil more effort, we fold it better, but most times we are sloopy and leave it so-so, folded but in a shabby way. 
Much like our day to day friendships with parents or with friends, or co-workers and even church mates, they are never perfect, they only gets better as we grow older and are more attentive. 

Relationships, even the one we have with God, are like a Rubik's Cube. A Rubik's cube can be fine, we buy it figured on all sides, but we mess it up and i don't know why but it's as if we prefer the mess cause we never fix it back, only a select few can. 
Our relationships, even the one we have with God, are not perfect, and are not all a mess but we create the mess further for the worst with the near to zero commitment, not praying, not worshipping, telling lies and covering up, with not fully communicating, leaving a lot to the other person to conclude, giving love half heartedly, giving divided attention, not being truthful, genuine and not paying attention. 

Keep in mind that how we feel at times, might be the same as how other people feel when we do to them what we dont want done to us. Don't neglect others to not be neglected, don't shame others not to be shamed back, don't undermine or disrespect others to not be undermined and disrespected. 
Remembering that, maybe the way we feel is how others also feel when we do to them what we dont want being done to us. 

In the end all that i am hoping for are more meaningful connections, deep and honest affection shared, if possible over communication, genuine love and near perfect relationships. I hope for more well folded fitted bed sheets, reality perfect bonds, better figured out Rubik's Cubes and better looking life puzzles. I want us all to always start, progress and finish all with God being our helper and strength.

Hebrews 10 Cell

All the all-night prayers
The mini room prayers
The community outreaches
The individual prayers 
The sharing of the Word of God and 
The gathering together worshipping,
Were the best moments of my time as a student. 
No exaggeration, it was better than all my lecture attendance, because at least the quality of time I spent with y’all built me and positively poured into my life and still is.
Unlike the hours I spent studying things I can't even remember anymore, there are times I remember the scriptures we shared and the culture we lived, which I am still conforming to.

Unlike the hours I spent writing assignments and studying for exams, what I learnt from our gatherings was a great foundation for my faith, its were the foundation of my prayer time and daily devotion, (things that I were not accustomed to before), was laid.
The sister and brotherhood is still there, unlike the exam papers I wrote. At least I can still see y’all at events, at least I have names to call out when I pray.

I realised that the Hand of God is upon me, maybe I would have got a job after matric, maybe I would have gone overseas, maybe got married, or got swallowed by the untolds of wherever I would have been, but because God’s guiding and protective Hand is upon me and that He works in amazing ways, meeting y'all had to happen. Maybe if i had not met y'all, I would still be just a person without a friend, alone in my bubble world of feeling sorry for myself, with a shabby prayer life and a godless lifestyle. But because God works in amazing ways, and that His Hand is really upon me, I had to meet you. God poured in you before so that you pour in me and I am grateful. 

Stay blessed. 

Life and nature

Gaze your eyes upon the cloudy skies and remember the sunny days.
Feel the cold breeze and remember the destitude.
The scorching sun not only burns the people but plants and animals too. 
The pain of child birth gives life
This world is harsh to many while blessing many more.
The roads we travel on to go see loved ones and friends, take the lives of others.
The same rain that brings water to give life,
Drowns others and erode the land.
The strong winds around might be distant kisses blown from one to the other,
While heavy rains might be tears of the broken hearted.
I am not blaming nature for what looks like its  mistreating us, i am just amazed of what wonder it can be. 
Its amazing how the heart that can love one can hate the other,
The hand that comforts the other can hurt another,
The lips that smile for the side lover can curse the spouse,
The distance between us can draw us closer to each other,
And the beauties of life and the other world help us remember the maker, while the troubles of life remind us to seek and trust the maker.

Peace