Love

Love to some people is a struggle.
It is difficult to give and even harder to receive.
To some, even saying the word love, feels very uncomfortable.
Most claim to know how to truly give it, while a very few get it right.
Most say it’s a feeling or some chill of sort, and like the rest, they love conditionally.

We care for looks, the posh the better, we care for the small and visible things the most, the face structure and how the lip curls when one smiles
We care for titles and the size of pockets, where one works, who they associate with and their petty possessions, but real love should be enough.

To those who are given even just a little genuine love, grab it tight and never want to let it go because for most, true love is a rare find.

Most are sceptical to open their hearts to love, because at some point it gets down to “I just don’t love you no more”.
I wonder how love ends, only for the said person to go find someone else to say I love you to again?

How do we keep falling in and out of love!

While people are using and mistreating you with their shoddy love, please know this for a fact and always rely on it:
God loves you,
Don't ever doubt that.
God cares for you and wants you to enjoy life in its fullness. 
Don't hold back from God. Guard against the temporary love promises of the world. 
Don't sacrifice the joy of being in the Lord for the superficial fun of the world.
Don't forfeit the eternal love of God for the conditional love of a mate. And if you choose to love please do it genuinely.

God loves you. He doesn't judge harshly like i do, HIS love is not lacking like mine, HIS patience doesn't run out like mine. He is merciful and patient, and doesn't put conditions to love you. 

I think my friend is a near perfect disciple because to wait 7 years to be loved back by a supposed soulmate is very deep. Her love is truly patient. 

“Love is not easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs, does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres”. 

At first sight

A taxi ride from Rustenburg to Joburg. The meeting of that one.

As we sat on the taxi that day, she sat and sighed as she flashed back to the day it happened. 

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She looked at me and said "I met him at this taxi rank. It was February 2011, two weeks after burying my grandma. I was going back to Joburg to register and prepare for a new academic year.  

I was sitting next to the window and my cousin was on my left, when I saw two guys get on the taxi. I knew the one, but not the other one he was with. I must have been staring cause that's were it all began. My mind playing tricks on me, convincing my heart to beat faster, turning me into a pale staring gawk. I was semi charmed honestly. My mind must have convinced my heart at that moment that it's not gonna fall for someone else after him. I took in his shimmering face, inviting eyes and his great looking self.

En route joburg, as I spoke to my cousin, I would notice him looking my way through the small spaces between the seats. It might have been my imagination but I have never been convinced otherwise ever since. Cupid had done did it.

I don't remember what happened next but my cousin and I got off at Park Station to go to my aunt's place. I thought it was the end of it. A few weeks after registration, I moved in at res and we had a home cell meeting. Low and behold, my taxi guy at our meeting. I have never felt all my senses working at the same time as I did that day. 

As we were doing our greetings, he looked at me and said, "hi my name is...",  woow did I not die and resussitate myself while still standing staring at him. By the time mind would alert my body that "your jaw is on the floor and you acting crazy" the time was up and I wouldn't extend my hand anymore and say "Phindi from 214". He never really spoke to me afterwards and I am still stuck in 2011 with the thought of what would have 'us' been like.

Even though we were never together, we atleast deserve to be platonic best friends". 

"Chommie", she looks at me, "I dont know how to move on from this crush or how to tell him of my undying feelings for him..., do you think I should just tell him, just to get it out even though nothing comes out of it?"

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I am sure you felt it when you once met someone you thought, finally "the one made out of my very rib or the one his rib I am made from". Of course it feels excruciatingly painful to meet someone like that and you fumble.  It's unexplainable how love is wired for some people but I also guess if something had to come out of that "crush at first sight" moment, God would have let it happen so but here is my friend still reminiscing about the one she loved for over seven years from a distance.

I believe she loves him, but I think she is also fixated upon a love she created out of aloneness and pinned a face to it, without realising a baggage of an imaginative love she was creating. I mean these people are not even friends from where I stand, they just know each others names. I am not saying they will never be together but I think if you really love someone you would tell 'em sooner than wait this long. I mean if you feel for 'em that badly you will shout it from a hilltop. Wouldn't you? 

So to why would my friend wait for her supposed crush of 7 years ago to say something in this era, I don't know! As the waiting continues, I think, if true love has something to do with it, its too profound for my foolish understanding. 

I often wonder why can't she just write him off and move on, not out of nje closure, but her warm love deserves reciprocation not this torture of punishment she has heaped on herself. 

I do envy her patience in love but I don't want the pain of disappointment of waiting for something that might never be as fireworks as anticipated. It hurts to wait; waiting is a cruel exercise. I truly hope she will be blessed with exactly and more of what she is hoping this waiting brings her. I hope he has been waiting and preparing to meet her again and actually say something this time around, just as my friend has been waiting for him. I hope that the taxi ride they took those years ago will get to be told in their love story and I hope that their union will be abundantly blessed. 

My greatest weakness

“You can’t heal what you don’t reveal”, right?

My biggest flaw is that, the moment I know that I can do something, somehow I can’t. I know well that one thing standing between me and doing great, is knowing that I can. I know I have the potential, I have the most teachable spirit and the willingness to do the work, but somehow I get restrained by something, I hold back and blend in than stand out. When I am supposed to do something in that moment, I can’t, but the moment I am no longer required to, I do it, with less effort even. You know that moment when things happen without forcing them, that is what happens with me, most of the time. If I try too hard, it’s not always that I get great results. 

In most instances, if I have to answer a question on the spot, or do anything that focuses the attention on me, I fail dismally. Then I would feel embarrassed and worried of what people think about me. The great thing is that, I don’t beat myself up about these situations anymore. I have made peace with the cycle of life, we make mistakes, fail, try, fail, try again and move on, feeling embarrassed doesn’t help the situation, it only makes it worse. I still need to overcome being afraid of the positive attention though. The mini panic attack I get for attention must come to an end. I think sometimes I come across as if I am not passionate about anything, just because I hold back a lot, and it can be mistaken for shyness or timidity.

I strive and flourish in comfort zone. My home is my stage, I am confident all the time but at home, I am most confident. Unfortunately the world is out there not in my small room, and to accomplish dreams, I have to go out there. Home is the most comfortable place one can be in, a place where you find most people walking around with no make-up or perfect outfit. There are no harsh criticisms and judgements there, we all flourish and slay in our comfort zones. However, it’s a bad place to always escape to because with comfort we get too relaxed, and abundance of leisure time results in laziness.
Even though it’s not in everything that I do, that I fail under the spot light, it’s in the things that I love the most and are most excited to try that I struggle with hitting the bull’s eye the first time. I will try again, and again and again and again and i will eventually get it right, i will hit the bull's eye on the first try. 

Knowing yourself

If you are sure of your voice, you might be part of the choir. Knowing yourself gets you the golden ticket and enables you to make it further than others. You might think you sing soprano when in fact alto and tenor suits you better. However, if you force to sing soprano and get cut off the choir, it’s not because you don’t know how to sing, but because you are singing a pitch higher than your voice can manage. Try a lower pitch, don’t doubt yourself, you have it in you to make it.

In middle school I wanted to be in the school choir badly, but I was cut off because I thought I was a soprano singer but my voice was too deep for it. Since I wouldn’t sing soprano, I thought I can’t sing. I was never told that alto is for people like me, those gifted with a deeper and richer voice.

Lesson learnt; sometimes taking a step back or a standard lower, doesn’t mean giving up. Stop taking the negative things that people say about you as the truth of who you are. You might attempt being a radio jock but fail at it, however, not being able to hold it down for the listeners doesn’t automatically mean you can’t be a dope producer. The same as struggling with modelling doesn’t mean you can’t be a great photographer. Beethoven was slightly deaf and struggled with conducting his own music. Just because he struggled with conducting didn’t mean he couldn’t compose great music. He knew himself and his struggles and therefore was able to work around them with less frustration. The "I can’t do this" attitude must die, its killing many talented people.

I have always thought of myself as a person who helps others be best. I don’t mind being "always the bride's maid and never the bride". It’s not that I don’t have goals, or have low standards. I am the biggest "hype man". I love it when I see people happy, laughing and less stressed, even if it means I have to sacrifice a lot to put a smile on their face. I love giving genuine compliments and asking people if they are okay, because I am happier when other people are happy. I love the exchange of positive energy. Happiness to one should be happiness to all right? That’s why I don’t understand why people would be jealous. What are jealous people saying though; that its better when it’s them who are succeeding and f the rest? Jealous people are actually selfish, it’s their way or no way at all.

I am super content, I know myself so much that nothing can break me. I live by selflessness, humbleness, discipline, loyalty, trustworthiness, integrity and peace building. It doesn’t take anything away from me to be happy for people making it in life before me.

I can’t emphasise how important it is to know yourself. Know yourself so much that though you fit in, you stand out; not for recognition and praise but for a happy conscience. Do you have a happy conscience? Why don’t you? Is it because other people's success and happiness should be yours than theirs? Know yourself best and capitalise on your strengths.

I love it when I don’t know something or when I think I do but get corrected, because that’s an opportunity to learn.

It’s not many people that I know, that know that they know themselves. There is one person I recently met when I went for voice over training, that my observation told me, man this person knows himself.

            I think people know that you know yourself;

• When you don’t sweat the small stuff.
• When you are so secure that you are not afraid if people were to see you make a mistake.
• When you are not afraid that other people are or might be better than you, because you teach while remaining teachable.
• When you are open to learning and sharing with others.
• When you remain humble and patient to hold other people's hands and raise them up to be better.
• When you don’t underestimate and undermine anyone because you know that it’s God who qualifies people.
• When you know yourself, other people's success fills you up with joy and accomplishment.

Thank you so much Weza for giving so much of yourself to empower us. Your enthusiasm is mind blowing, and your selflessness is incredible. I am inspired by your hard work. You are amazing, keep paying it forward and God bless you. 

So imagine if more people would truly know themselves. Nobody would ever say "don’t shine on my shine".