I saw with the heart

To the start of a bad memory
The break up
To a temporary pause,
Swallowing a goodbye and a huge lump in my throat

Heavy breath released slow and a deep sigh to seal emotions.
To a new chance to look with a fresh perspective.
Laughters we shared and kind eyes we looked at each other with.
This is my temporary goodbye,
Of mental pictures of us laughing and walking by with joyful faces.
I sigh and try to think of something else, but
I remember again the happy faces with smiles that stretch the corners of the eyes.
The brief glances, the stolen looks, the turning of head to take one last mental picture of an expressed love from one to his lover.

What I know stands to be corrected

I am from a recent generation; I was only born two decades and thirty six months ago, 

So I am kind of new to seeing things for myself and experiencing life without being forewarned of what to guard against. 

I don’t have any older sibling nearby to guide me on things of being a noble woman, so I rely on the Bible and others experiences to be my guide. 

I didn't realise that the Bible has all the answers until I joined Hebrews Cell group back in 2010, my first year.  

I also didn't know much about praying, about God, salvation or even reading the bible. I did used to go to church but it was one of those with services where the pastor does everything, so we never really knew God for ourselves. 

Excuse being that the pastor is the only way for our prayers to properly ascend. I was young, I didn't know any better.  

Despite not knowing it all about how to live well, 

I know that people should respect themselves and live right. 

I know that I should live by prayer and never neglect going to church and it doesn't have to have a “because”. 

I know I should pray for others, even when I don’t personally know them. 

I know I should always say thank you, as my name. 

I know that I should be patient, I should wear my heart on the sleeves, be helpful, be very generous, be kind and tenderhearted; even on days I want to release my rage or show how frustrated I am. 

Yes, I know I am not forced to live selflessly, but these are ways to live harmoniously with others. 

As a person who strives to live in peace with others, I love to.

I know I shouldn't be silent about wrong things and I don’t have to make unnecessary noise when raising concerns. 

I know I have to offer sincere apologies 

I know I have to cry with those that are crying and laugh all the more with those that are running out of breath with laughter.  

I know I have to look happy at all times; I must speak polite and shouldn't sound aggressive. 

I know I should not jump into conclusion or make assumptions. 

I know I should always listen to my instincts and follow my hunches. 

I know I should look beyond a person’s appearance but see their heart and that will show on how they act. 

I know I shouldn't judge anyone, not to undermine people and never disrespect anyone. 

I know I should laugh longer at other people’s jokes, even when they are not that funny. 

I know I should accept hugs despite how much I often times hate being touched. 

I know I should accept when food is offered and always give thanks. 

I know I shouldn't take any offenses but be kind in addressing misunderstandings. 

I know I should not keep record of how many times a person has done me wrong. 

I know I should forgive and ask for forgiveness. 

I know I should not hold any grudges.

I know I should stand up for elders that do not have a seat. 

I know that respect is what I should practice daily, at every moment, even if I am not going to get it in return. 

I know I should be the happiest when the rain falls and smile with the sunshine. 

I know that God loves me, loves you and all of us alike and we should love each other the same. 

Even though I am not doing all that I know to be good and upright all the time, at least I know what I have to do.

If love can be taught

Nobody taught me how to love. 

As a young girl, nobody told me that I will feel weak at my knees and become dizzy and go a lil crazy at the sight of your face. 

Sometimes I get so light headed that I lose concentration at the sound of your voice and stammer when I speak at the mention of your name.

Nobody told me about the rush in my stomach and the cringing feeling that would prevent me to eat. Nobody told me about the cold and warm fuzzy feeling that chills and warms me when we cross paths, not to mention the tingling feeling on the palm of my hands and underneath my feet, I call it my lil chemistry thunderstorm.

Nobody taught me about how I should respond to a person who might say he loves me. 

So when he came along and told me he feels me, I didn't know how to love him back cause I never felt love apart from when I hear rain drops. 

Hence, I wouldn't properly figure out how to give my heart to thee, someone I barely knew. 

You kept pursuing but I shut you out completely and played pretend. 

I pretended not to feel anything when you smoothly and charmingly said "I love you". 

Silently you went away and that's when I was dying to let you know that I do too, I love you shortcakes.

I love you and I am amazed at how this has made me so open to love and warm hearted towards others, especially towards you. 

I never looked forward to what I would say or how it would make me feel or how I should respond to a person giving me so much attention.
If I have injured your cupid or burst your love bubble,

I am really sorry.

Declined confidence

It got me constantly quiet and  doubtful to take conversations with others.
It got me shy, be walking around with my head bowed down.
It got me feeling insecure about everything I am,
It has creepled my intellect and wisdom and has stolen my cool.

Declined confidence fails me to love, to look, to find and open my heart to him so deserving of this love which Christ has knitted for us to find comfort in.
It has had me say no! many more times even at times I had to say yes, please and thank you.

Declined confidence  has programmed me to think that a better day only depends on "if I wake up tomorrow" and hopes in "at least".
It got me fully overdressed as a way to cover a hole in my chest, and to provide me with temporary warms from the cloth of my hoodies and scarf.

Instead of saying hi and smile, I bow my head and walk with a straight face held down.
I don't even know how to pray no more, my dead confidence has taken hope and faith out of the consciousness of my prayer life. It just got me mumbling, praying like I am testing if God will come through for me.
Even when I know He always has and will forever come through for me, my suffering confidence still makes me sound unsure of my Father's great plans for my tomorrow.

Shaky confidence has got me to question everything I say and do and often forces me to rethink and second guess my ideas and rate them unimportant to be heeded to. It has got me feeling unworthy and undeserving of good things. It has made me ask "really, do you mean that?" when people tell me I look beautiful.

Even when God gave His Beloved Son to die for my rotten dying self, I wouldn't help but ask; "what's the catch?" cause I am not used to people just doing good things for me. I have questioned GRACE, cause my confidence is so little to recognise genuine love and care.

Love, love, love: my little confidence echos it in my mind and makes me ponder on whether if it does exist?
I wonder and wonder; does it come in a box of chocolates or is it the scent of that perfume or the lingerie that keeps all those unconfident self props from lingering. But then I remember the Cross.

My declined confidence has been lodging with me, hovering over me like a dark cloud, it looks like it ain't there but its weighing over the tension of my shoulders.
Even a punching bag cannot heal the bitterness of a broken heart, a heart that collapsed from the hands of a person with a weak and unwilling confidence.

Some of y'all's confidence had fallen down because of "another", that you thought you shared perfect love with. You gave your self wholeheartedly to him or her and expected as much in return, but the other's confidence didn't sustain them to give as much as you gave. Their poor confidence led them to believe that they don't deserve you, the all sufficient you.

Guard against the negative "at least", those are the beginning of declining confidence. Look out for those with inattentive ears, they are musing on their self worth, pull them out, and guard against not accepting help from strangers, some are heaven sent Angels.

Low self confidence is an illness we all have, we all get it triggered when disappointments pile up, when unreturned love, lies and disrespect are what we constantly get from loved ones. Some think its naturally normal to be shy and timid, but others are aware that its eating up their social lives' joy. I have seen that, lived it but I am done.