Declined confidence

It got me constantly quiet and  doubtful to take conversations with others.
It got me shy, be walking around with my head bowed down.
It got me feeling insecure about everything I am,
It has creepled my intellect and wisdom and has stolen my cool.

Declined confidence fails me to love, to look, to find and open my heart to him so deserving of this love which Christ has knitted for us to find comfort in.
It has had me say no! many more times even at times I had to say yes, please and thank you.

Declined confidence  has programmed me to think that a better day only depends on "if I wake up tomorrow" and hopes in "at least".
It got me fully overdressed as a way to cover a hole in my chest, and to provide me with temporary warms from the cloth of my hoodies and scarf.

Instead of saying hi and smile, I bow my head and walk with a straight face held down.
I don't even know how to pray no more, my dead confidence has taken hope and faith out of the consciousness of my prayer life. It just got me mumbling, praying like I am testing if God will come through for me.
Even when I know He always has and will forever come through for me, my suffering confidence still makes me sound unsure of my Father's great plans for my tomorrow.

Shaky confidence has got me to question everything I say and do and often forces me to rethink and second guess my ideas and rate them unimportant to be heeded to. It has got me feeling unworthy and undeserving of good things. It has made me ask "really, do you mean that?" when people tell me I look beautiful.

Even when God gave His Beloved Son to die for my rotten dying self, I wouldn't help but ask; "what's the catch?" cause I am not used to people just doing good things for me. I have questioned GRACE, cause my confidence is so little to recognise genuine love and care.

Love, love, love: my little confidence echos it in my mind and makes me ponder on whether if it does exist?
I wonder and wonder; does it come in a box of chocolates or is it the scent of that perfume or the lingerie that keeps all those unconfident self props from lingering. But then I remember the Cross.

My declined confidence has been lodging with me, hovering over me like a dark cloud, it looks like it ain't there but its weighing over the tension of my shoulders.
Even a punching bag cannot heal the bitterness of a broken heart, a heart that collapsed from the hands of a person with a weak and unwilling confidence.

Some of y'all's confidence had fallen down because of "another", that you thought you shared perfect love with. You gave your self wholeheartedly to him or her and expected as much in return, but the other's confidence didn't sustain them to give as much as you gave. Their poor confidence led them to believe that they don't deserve you, the all sufficient you.

Guard against the negative "at least", those are the beginning of declining confidence. Look out for those with inattentive ears, they are musing on their self worth, pull them out, and guard against not accepting help from strangers, some are heaven sent Angels.

Low self confidence is an illness we all have, we all get it triggered when disappointments pile up, when unreturned love, lies and disrespect are what we constantly get from loved ones. Some think its naturally normal to be shy and timid, but others are aware that its eating up their social lives' joy. I have seen that, lived it but I am done.