Completely vulnerable

Nothing kills peace worse than negative words being uttered at you

Constant utterances of “you are ugly, you will be nothing in life..." build up on you,

A cursing voice echoing in ones ears

From a big headed father who thinks knows best.

Who refuses to be corrected because he is mr-know-everything, always right, so he thinks!

The smell of alcohol on his breath

Just triggers unimaginable hatred,

I hate the attitude of “I am always right” that he has

Like we are a bunch of idiots in the house who can't tell between right and wrong,

Its enough.

He is mr-people-pleaser
Nice time with strange people its his thing

Like everything is puff puff and blow away

A serious poor man’s disease.

He is a present absent father,

Spending more time out than with us.

Some fathers are allergic to responsibility.

I have always longed for a loving father

The kind to brag about

To the point where people tire to hear me say “my dad”

I wonder what it would be like to have a:

man of God dad; loving, smart, humble, understanding supportive and very present.

As a woman, will I still look back and cry when I think about my family, especially my father,

Will I grow up to be independent with all that i need, but still have a void in my heart,

A big hole in my soul that was never filled by a dad’s love,

Will I grow up with unresolved daddy issues,

Suffer eternally from unhappy daddy memories?

No man can fulfil the longing of a father’s presence.

The love of a father is the kind that’s not dependent on any material thing to flourish

It’s not the ATM kinda love but

The kind with God as the foundation.

Money can never buy affection dad.

I value effort.
I value your care.
I value your attention and
I value your presence dad.

Do you like it that I resent you?

Are you proud that you never said;
“happy birthday, i am proud of you, i love you"
You have never called on my birthday 

You didn’t call on my graduation, twice

Or did anything showing affection.

How can I want to speak with you?

I once loved you dad, now I just tolerate you, I just respect you for mom’s sake.

Despite your absence, I choose to be and stay happy and content.  

It’s not easy to pretend that I don’t need you

But it got me to 25.

Live your life for yourself

We grew up being told: what to do, what to wear, how to wear it, who to talk to, how to talk to them, what to say when we do speak, and when its appropriate to speak, however that era is long gone. 

We have choices and we have to decide what we want. 

There are people who want to be told what to eat, how to drink, how to cook their food and when to eat them, basically they want to be told how to live and that is impossible. 

We need to learn to take an initiative and stop looking at other people on how to live our lives, other than God to guide our ways. People need to learn to think for themselves. 

We have choices to live a life we want and to fashion it the way we want it to unfold, but we are busy looking for guidelines and road signs even in situations that require self-discretion. Being smart is a choice; its your choice to improve your knowledge. Read, study further, go on vacation and learn. Enjoy your life and live for yourself.

Don't let life control you, let God guide you.

Taxi conversation

So I was listening to someone narrating to the other about their old lover or was it a crush, I don’t know.  

Well taxi conversations between two people are basically with everyone else sitting next to them.

So I sat there listening to this person speaking like she was trying to forget it all.

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She said; “you know chommie it’s very hard letting go, I am forcing myself to forget but eish,

All the “so close but yet so far” moments are now memories, my stupid fantasies, I just want to run away from myself cause we are running away from each other.

This has caused me intense internal conflicts and I can’t live anymore with fighting myself; to think straight and feel right”.

She continued to say: “I will miss his round eyes and his blush when I used to catch him staring at me. I used to be afraid of winking or blushing back at him, I always kept a straight face while my heart and stomach were blushing like he was something magical”.

She was near crying when she said “I will get off soon”, and continued, “from the depth of my heart, I will always love him, with the flood of memories I will never forget him and whatever we nearly became, that I want to forget. My silly and stupid fantasies will always warm my heart, pity we couldn’t be”.

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“Short left”, then she got off.

For my dad

This day more than any day I wish my dad was present.

I am sitting here and I don’t have anything to say about his love and support.

All reasons and explanations aside; I wish I would be writing about the heart-warming moments between my dad and I, but I don’t have any.

More than the other days, today I miss having a dad.

I wish my dad was around so that I could call him or him call me and just chat.

I wish I was a daddy’s girl, a papa’s child.

It hurts more that I don’t have a picture with my dad.

Not a single memory of a conversation with him. He has never disciplined me, raised his voice at me or better; bought me anything or gave me advice on something.

It hurts to have a father, alive and living elsewhere but not present in my life.

I really wish I had a dad to borrows his car, laugh at his jokes or make fun of him behind his back.

A dad to cook for us at home, or just sit and have crazy conversations and laughter with us.

I wish, even though I am working, my dad would give me money, JUST so that I can say I ate my dad's money today.

I wish my lil bro had a father too cause I am scared that out of this experience he might follow the deadbeat example as well. 

I really wish I would hear my dad say to us, "I love you, i am here for you, I  am proud of you"...

I wish I could, buy my dad a father’s day and birthday gifts

I wish speaking and sitting with my dad wasn’t a wish to be fulfilled but something that simply happens cause he would be around, daily, but he is not present. #presentabsentfather

You might know her

She also experienced some unfortunate rejection from people she desired to be friends with.

This shattered her because she already felt rejected by her father.

The people she liked, liked others other than her.

After a while, these rejections were massive enough to break her down.

She was left hopeless with no desire to be friends with anyone, or to be anything significant to anyone who had the potential to make her feel valuable and needed.

She became very shy and withdrawn, a lonesome empty girl. Always afraid to be free, let loose and be happy. She hid behind dressing in characters to confuse the bystander not to know exactly what type of person she was.

She kept everything to herself, even when she really wanted to be real and talk to someone, she felt she would be misunderstood then judged.

Actually she felt judged, she judged herself before anyone did.
As a result she had few meaningful relationships, which had minimal focus on her. 
She was always worried of being judged & criticised.

So she became guarded.
To her always being alone seemed more manageable and peaceful.

From shutting people out, she missed the importance of having relationships.

She shared her burdens with no one, though she tried to constantly pray and cry her worries out.

To people she looked like a perfect example of a great life.
She always put on a facade to look put together, but some could see that it wasn’t real, wasn’t natural and wasn’t genuine, but would never enquire. 

She knew very well that this will get her no where far.

And each time she watched movies she saw how valuable and much needed relationships were.

She devised a coping mechanism that echoes: just love and live with people from a distance.

But that doesn’t provide the same, not even close to how real relationships should be.

This ate her up, but she pretended like she didn't care.

She looks at happy friendships and it swells her heart with happiness,

But also with jealousy and more with fear that she will never have those kind of friendships herself.

It’s something good to have but she can’t get it cause she has made herself feel and look different from others.

She tried and succeeded in brainwashing herself to believe that good relationships of any kind, are not meant for her, they are not hers to have and enjoy, that she is not suited for them and so it is happening, they are scurrying from her. 

It took me a while

It took me a while to grow and know that I am a grown person and have to live that way. I caught on to my peers way later. I was always going left when they were going right. Not because either of us chose the wrong direction, but because they were ahead and took turns earlier and I was a bit behind so I took my turns later than they. I took a while to see the truths of the world as I always look at the positives. I am afraid to look at the wrongs of life, to look at reality because it's harsh. I prefer my fantasies; they are fun and manageable, peaceful and comfortable.

I took a while maybe because I was unconsciously not keen of growing up. Not keen to grow up and see for myself the harshness and the bitter part of the world. Most old people are always unhappy, unsatisfied, complaining, angry, upset, impatient and they tend to not enjoy what is going well with life because they are always looking at the wrongs of life.

I am thankful to God that I always take a while to be comfortable with people or see things, whether good or bad, in them. If you don’t rush to judge anyone, however the judgement is, positive or negative, you allow yourself first to imagine yourself in the situation so that you can then measure whether your judgement is fair, or maybe that's just me. Maybe it’s because I am almost always fearful of making mistakes of misjudging others or treating others unfairly by jumping to uninformed conclusions. I am afraid of offending anyone or being in conflict with anyone, so I always take a while to think a bit before I speak, or react to anything.    

I also take a while to forget my mistakes and that of others. I beat myself up for things I did wrong, I worry intensely about what I said, what I didn’t say or what I said but would have said better. Though I don’t hold grudges, I don’t forget things easily, I take a while to forget, and most of the time I’d be cold and withdrawn or take a warm and deep conversation with you based on how you treated me the last time.
It took me a while to understand why people don’t love each other genuinely. I hate fake love, I hate people who don't show true emotions, or who are cold and harsh without a reason, i mean why would you just be nasty like that. I hate it the most when I am that way, i blame it on that time of the month, but I have long realised that, and I am still working on it.

I am far from perfect, I do wrong and I admit to it. It took me a while to learn  to love and let people love me, I am still not there yet. I am afraid to love deeply and also be loved, because a lot can go wrong and I am not prepared to deal with sad emotions and to have to forgive myself for letting someone’s world fall apart, or to forgive them for making my world fall apart, not now, not at my age. 

It took me a while to know that I am a woman and that I have to look and dress the way, not forgetting walking and acting the way. Aai I am not there at all, I do try to dress the way, I look the part and I try to walk the way but anything exaggerated, I can't. For start; heels and make-up, too much of feminine talk and acting too girly, it’s a painful mission for me. Don’t get me wrong, I am a woman and I love being a woman.

I am still taking my time to outspokenly say to people “I love you”. I still feel weird and awkward saying it. It doesn’t come out as natural as i want it to yet. So it’s a challenge for me for now to tell a gentle brother, “I love you”. It’s like I am crucifying my mental stability. So for my peace of mind and sanity, I rather not, I rather not say it to anyone as yet, if I am not comfortable saying it, I rather not strangle kind words out of me. I know saying it often will take that weirdness out of it but, I can’t please, for now imagine me saying it.

I am terrible with friendships as well, I am sometimes, okay with going weeks without a word, not even a two letter hi, to my old mates, sometimes I feel guilty, but most times it bothers me not. I know it’s kinda heartless, sorry, it’s my coping mechanism. I am afraid of flat conversations, so its better if I keep my distance. 

Even now, most of my peers are still well ahead of me but i know that we are all destined for a different life with different life paths and different durations to get there, so i never feel rushed. Do me a favour too, your time will come, so for now relax and enjoy your life as the days unfold, don't feel the need to hurry, you are on your time, that God destined for you to keep.

I do love life and people, obvious right. I am always happy and that is what i will always be and what I will always do, be happy 😊.

He

*Extremely exaggerated for the sake of the art*

This post is inspired by a passerby

He is a kind of guy that when you see him you remember Utopia. He looks like a perfect place, where only imagination can take you to meet him.

He looks like a forest mountain, with mist flowing over it.
He personifies a perfect island, Bora Bora tries to look like him.
Looking at him feels like fresh air, being in his presence would then feel like infinite happiness.

He looks classy, like expensive antique merchandise, a jazz loving smooth lover
When i saw him the other day, it was like hearing "isn't "he" lovely" being played by a duo of a Bass and a Saxophone.

He looks like a rare find; pearls from the bottom of the ocean
He can be a man in a suit and a Bible on his hands and no shame to show that he is saved. He seems like a man who apologises even when he's not wrong.
A lover with magnatic eyes, 
With a lazy walk, like the earth is about to tear

Hence his name means "to welcome warmly and tender heartedly" and that you immediately see if it happens that your eyes meet with his. He has a peaceful and warm spirit, even when you dont know him you can tell that he is a peaceful lover.

That day

Roses are red and white, pink and peach
The sky is still blue
And I am in love with you.
We eat chocolates and drink wine,
Just cause its Valentines,
But I will love you without the constraints of time.
Don’t light the candles or send any flowers.
Don't text or leave a voice note.
Cause like before;
February will soon be over and you will go too.

Today

Yesterday I wrote a poem.
Today I am writing a smart poem.
It rhymes and sounds right.
It flows and definitely sounds nice,
Everything is alright.
The words are coming out right,
The poem is flowing and rhyming, and tomorrow;
I will write you a Valentine's poem,
I promise it will be lovely.

With us forever

Forget about people saying;

“People are in your life for a reason, if not for a season”, if not for whatever, forget that;

People are always with us forever, for good, for a lifetime.

Thing is even if they physically leave, we still remember them,

Our memories of them lives with us, it’s not like our minds suddenly erases them.

We carry them with us for a lifetime and

When we hear a song, or see a certain outfit, or go to a certain place, we get reminded of them.

We become so emotional just seeing a person wearing a grey turtle neck, just cause our ex-friend used to.

We hate going to the social market now, cause that’s the last social event we went with them to.

We avoid social media cause we know we gonna wanna find them there and check on them without them knowing. 

Now we don’t want our mind remembering how nice it used to be with them around right!

We try to save ourselves the heartache of caring again.

So I will try to forget you, which is close to impossible.

I will try not to drown myself in tears, it just gives a horrible headache.

I will pack my heart and move on,

I have not done it before, but I know I will survive.

You used to dim my smile, but it’s all over now.

You lastly took my joy when you walked out of my door but healing came.