When our friendship died

Dedication to all the friends I failed

It’s a normal thing for me that people don’t get me; it’s natural and understandable, but when there are few that actually do, I unintentionally push them away.

So when our friendship died I blamed it on me. I know I am the one at fault and as a way of making peace and making things alright, I am sorry. 

I am sorry I failed to often say hi. 

I am sorry I never bothered to ask for your digits so that I sometimes give you a ring. 

I am sorry that when things were not looking up for you, I failed to come and visit, and I am sorry that when things were looking up for you I failed to celebrate with you. 

I am sorry that when you invited me to the wedding I failed to come. 

I am sorry that you had to send me a few texts after several missed calls before I replied; I wish I could give you sound reasons why I didn’t pick up the phone. 

It’s because of me that our friendship died, I failed to know how to treat a good friend.

When our friendship died I got to see how few the gifts I have are from friends and how few friends’ numbers I have on my phone.

One huge thing I also saw was my entire selfishness, selfishness of time and space that prevents my friendships to be. When our friendship died I was convinced that I really don't deserve friendly companionship. That I am difficult to get through to, and that really, the cold wall I have built, that keeps all the warms of love, laughter and good friendships away, is really in good standing.

This wall I have built is so unshakable, high up, well-built and so rigid that not even cheerful smiles could melt it away. I used to think that I will grow old with my high school friends but then I realized I can’t keep people as lifelong friends. 

It hurts though, it hurts intensely more some days. 

I want this wall to fall, where should I start drilling it down? I am still reluctant of starting new friendships because of my lack of commitment to emotional attachment and I am so afraid of losing the few friends I still have. I regret not being wise and committed enough to be a good friend, your good friend. I am sorry still, that my sorry sounds so insincere but sorry is what I can say now and the unfortunate part is it cannot erase all my unfriendliness.